Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Halloween Movies on Cable


I've been filling up the DVR with just about every frickin' horror movie that has been coming on Halloween Month, and almost every single one has been utterly worthless. Most of them, I just watch the first few minutes and then delete. I don't have time for shit horror. I mean, it's pretty friggin' simple to make a halfway decent horror film. You'd think it'd be easier to find them. Examples:


THE BREED (2006) - This is the only halfway decent one that I've come across yet that I hadn't seen before. People on island being attacked by genetically-modified dogs. It has some genuinely creepy locales, and the dogs have not been CGI'd or sped up or anything to make them scarier. They're just real dogs trying to kill you. A few lulzy moments, and they never really explain why the dogs are so damned smart or anything...but a fun, brainless horror movie.


SHALLOW GROUND (2004) - No, a shitty actor covered in blood is not scary. The director seemed to think this kid was the fucking spookiest thing ever. I watched like, 15-20 minutes of pretty much nothing going on except this bloody teenager walking around, trying to look ominous. Did not work. STOP - DELETE.

I should've stopped at "The Asylum Presents" but the synopsis sounded like a no-brainer. People in tunnels under Mexican border get attacked by monsters. At the first sign of the really bad CGI monsters, I was done. STOP - DELETE.

THE DUNWICH HORROR (2009) - A Lovecraft movie with Jeffery Combs? How could they go wrong, right? (No Brian Yuzna, for one thing...) As soon as Dean Stockwell started shooting bad SFX "lasers" from his fingertips, I said: STOP - DELETE.

BENEATH STILL WATERS (2005) - Speaking of Brian Yuzna, apparently he wasn't available for the above movie because he was making more shitty Spanish movies. The kids in the opening scene were horrible, and when it turned out to be another "Oooooh! He's scary 'cause he's a Debbil-Worshipper!" movie, I just couldn't help but: STOP - DELETE.

CATACOMBS (2007) - Rave party in the catacombs under Paris. Could be cool. Nope. Just another teen slasher film with nothing going for it. Even the catacombs in the movie are fake. Filmed in Romania. STOP - DELETE.

FURNACE (2006) - I only taped it because it had Danny Trejo in it. I realized about 20 minutes in that I was daydreaming about something else. I figured that was as good a reason as any to: STOP - DELETE.


Sure, WRONG TURN wasn't CITIZEN KANE, but it has Henry Rollins in it, so I'll give it a spin.
HALLOWED GROUND - Looks like crap. It's the "Evil Preacher" meme instead of the "Evil Debbil Worshipper" meme, so it'll probably suck just as bad.
SAW III - SAW was okay...a new twist. SAW II sucked mightily, and I gave up the series at that point. We'll have to see just how bad SAW III is. I mean, it's FREE!
IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS - Yeah, I've seen it before. Watched it in the theater. I wanna see how it holds up. Is it as good as I remember? Or will it be like watching LORD OF ILLUSIONS for the second time?

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